As you can see, I’ve come quite far from my sand farming career and my conspiracy theories. Now I’m working with concrete adult pursuits like dead memes and area 51! You could argue that the two are one and the same but if there’s one thing the government admires, it’s people who don’t ask questions, so maybe if we follow their customs and ask politely, they’ll let us in to Area 51 and there’ll be no need to raid it!
Yes indeed, though I’m done with conspiracies, it’s now at this ironic junction that I get the answer I’ve been looking for just as I stop looking for it. And that is that the core of the mystery of Cadillac Bill and all the strange happenings and conspiracies goes back to the place you’d least expect- that being Area 51. Because of course, they expect you not to expect it because they expect you to expect it. It’s too obvious and makes too much sense, therefore it makes no sense for anything to be there. So obviously that’s just a ruse and something is there! Something big.
Haters might say that Area 51 houses little more than cold war experiments such as a radar that lets the USA know when the Russians were testing their nukes by putting microphones in the clouds and underwater to let them triangulate where large disturbances such as nukes and depth charges occurred by triangulating their signals, and those same haters may also say that declassified CIA documents detailing this in-depth have been publicly available for years, and that Area 51 hasn’t been a mystery since the 1960s, but those people are IDIOTS. Wait. No… no, that was Roswell. Not Area 51. FFFFFFFFFFFFF– never mind. Look, the fact of the matter is that we’ve finally found Cadillac Bill himself, and the mothership from where he broadcasts his materials. He invaded Hamilton, set some crop circles, hypnotised the population, then retreated with the
to Area 51 to broadcast what they got! It’s been hitting streaming services for a number of groups alike- humans, sentient cadillacs, aliens, and not just aliens originating from Mexico! There’s finally an answer to so many questions, and it all makes too much sense. Could Amazon Prime and Vimeo be in bed with Area 51 as well, considering they’re both hosting The Cadillac Bill show?
Y’know, maybe we’ve all been a bit pessimistic about all this, come to think of it. I mean, if the guy lives there, of course the military would try and stop people from raiding the place, I mean, would you want people barging into your home without consent? I think that we should rethink our point of entry and ask the nice scary soldier people politely if we can visit Cadillac Bill for some tea and cookies, and if he can come out and play this afternoon. Maybe if we stop making such terrible jokes and dated references just because they’re trending and we’re bending to the whims of corporate fickle nonsense, they’d stop wanting to shoot us and let us do whatever we want. But that would require us to have integrity, and actually think of good material instead of the same rehashed Area 51 templates over and over! Remember kids, if you draw attention to your faults, they are cancelled out and you immediately regain credibility! Unfortunately in my place, I never had integrity or credibility in the first place. But I do have stuff that was barely amusing in 2016!
Thankfully, the declassified documents of Cadillac Bill are quite different to my hack ways and they actually put their souls into their craft, funnily enough! In that they care a lot about it, unlike the hacks of the world, and they also have literal souls in them. They’re a fresh take on the variety show formula, unabashedly themselves, and novel in their weirdness. And the comedy songs that Cadillac Bill and the
produce follow the same beat! And none of them have hypnotic alien influences hidden within them to make me obedient to our new extraterrestrial overlords! Really! They’re also gluten free.
Or if your sensory organs can’t handle auditory input, perhaps visual would be your style?
That song is their most popular on Spotify! And there’s plenty more z a n i n e s s in the show itself. To catch some of that action, click here to check out Amazon Prime and Vimeo!
Well, I have to go and continue my pointless life. I won’t join in the Area 51 raid because I don’t want to get caught up in the conspiracy life again, and it’s definitely not because the aliens have shut me up and made me their instrument. Cadillac Bill will be waiting as the final boss for all of you and I can’t guarantee it’ll go well. But if the Overlord is merciful he will bless you with episodes of his show.
But don’t you dare steal them without his permission from Area 51. Such hubris will stay your feet and you will be crushed beneath the weight of your sins.