Oh boy, here we go.
So, there’s this show that’s around right now, and nobody is sure how long it’s been around in total. Probably from before recorded history. They transcribed it from hieroglyphics into visual media by trapping a bunch of “auteur” types in a room together and telling them how special they are while they were hooked up to MRIs, and this is what came out of it. It’s some forbidden voodoo juju stuff, it’s currently taking over a bunch of TV networks, and it’ll most likely cause the Men in Black to break down your door and try to erase your memory.
But don’t worry, you’ll want that to happen anyway. Presenting The Cadillac Bill Show.
As you can tell, you’ll want to avoid this show, so here are the networks that are hosting it, so you know which ones to unsubscribe from and make whiny bitchy videos attempting to boycott them on Youtube that nobody will bother to watch:
There are plans for Roku to be included in these once some clearances happen with Pivot Share, so be sure to flee from that as well. Preemptive safety over eternal regret any day.
Cadillac Bill is viralling across the planet like the plague he is, and more and more people are “loving” it. He also has a band, the Creeping Bent, so they can play imperial marches of conquest as the rampage continues. Unfortunately, nobody can stop him, since ancient hostile entities from the dawn of time wearing sequined suits aren’t covered in standard military protocol as valid figures of interest. This loophole has enforced martial law AGAINST ALL GOVERNMENTS across the entire planet of Earth, meaning that these restrictions will require all dissenters to arrest themselves and sue themselves, doubling their tax fees, so nobody has bothered trying yet. These laws extend also beyond the boundaries of Earth, and also cover the entire Laniakea Supercluster, meaning that it’s pretty much just Earth and that one part of Mars where Dave lives. No, Dave. You know Dave. Don’t change the subject. No, it doesn’t matter. No, nobody else is on Mars, just Dave. Yeah, look, it’s not important! So there’s one guy living on Mars named Dave, what of it? Look, is it that vital? Why are you fixated on this and not the fact that Earth’s military forces have to arrest themselves if they do anything about this? How did he get there? Well I don’t bloody know! He’s just some guy living over there, all right? Look, we’re getting off track, and I’m certain everyone is on the edge of their seats to see where a biased piece of advertisement on a “””””NEWS””””” website is going to go next, so can you stop undermining my operation here?
FINE, go to NASA! I don’t CARE that you’re visiting Dave! NO, the reader won’t care either! I’m telling them because YOU’RE distracting me from saying what I should be covering. Look, this is very important to some people. Yeah, they are sad people, but sad people’s money is still good, so I’m gonna try to keep them reading. Okay, but some people really want to see taxidermied rats having a conversation, parody music, and the weirdest residents of Hamilton Canada come out of the woodwork. Yeah. That’s why I wanna stop them. Oh ENOUGH about DAVE already, the sooner you’re lightyears away from me the better. What? Fine. Yeah love you too.
Anyway. Here are some horrid samples of Cadillac Bill so you know what terrible fate you’re escaping.
Yeah look, we weren’t kidding.
Cadillac Bill is a Blue Pie Records USA artist, apparently. The Cadillac Bill Show examines the weird and wonderful inhabitants of Hamilton and uses their energy to incite dark rituals that allow an inter-dimensional demon force to drip through to our reality through the power of talk shows and variety hours- the most powerful, ancient, and darkest magic that mortals have access to. I have uncovered a dossier on Cadillac Bill himself, with more information should any scholar, madman, or rebel require it. Cadillac Bill’s work on his TV show is available on Amazon Prime and continues to give him more power for every millisecond that it is hosted. There’s bound to be some more news on this horrific disaster-in-progress soon… Cadillac Bill is also rumoured to be published by Blue Pie Publishing USA (ASCAP) Here’s a playlist of some “sounds” Cadillac Bill has made. There is no guarantee that these sounds will be human in nature. Enjoy them regardless if it is possible for your species to do so. I’m gonna bury myself and fall asleep and see if I can hibernate for a century, hoping Bill’s reign of darkness will be over by then.
A Google Images search I did to try and find pictures of Cadillac Bill holding potted plants as a very important avenue of research. I didn’t find much. Maybe if you are destined, you will be luckier.