Attention, feeble humans! Your culture can now rejoice the covering of your exposed, soft flesh with our collection of cloth bindings and synthetic fabrics, as well as our memorabilia and trinkets.

I, Allen the Alien, have graced your filthy bodies with the excretions of your local cotton plants. You may now clothe yourselves in the stylings of The Cadillac Bill Show, as well as furnish your habitats with clutter featuring images of his face. Truly, you may now construct shrines to your TV stars, or whatever it is you monkeys get up to.

All this is thanks to CottonCart. This online merchandise house is one of the many places where humans exchange units in a system that is self imposed. No money is worth anything, you all just agree that it is so it becomes worth something. You can now be a slave to the system in style. Broadcast your submission to the corporate machine on your chest and wear pictures of a television program. Consume liquids from our array of portable-handled-liquid containers, and store your possessions in the skin of the elusive “Tote”, slain mercilessly to create the so-called “Tote Bag”. Place fabric on your head to protect your fragile eyes from entropy induced by the raging heat of the sun, and delay the inevitable decomposition of your mortal bodies for just a few more days – fashionably. The merchandise may not end here, on this website or others: the “Redbubble” will also be potentially stocking items of this manner in the future. This bubble may potentially be formed from human blood, based on the colour, so be sure to get your dose of protein as you shop.

The bottom line is that you fans of “The Cadillac Bill Show” are required by law to show your interests on your bodies and in your homes, or the Extraterrestrial Foundation has every right to sequester your brain stems from your bodies, for science purposes, and because it would be really, really, really funny. You will grant me funds for more snacks, and the ability to purchase weapons to destroy anybody who implies I take all the office’s snacks for myself, especially considering that I own this entire planet already. Dress yourselves and purchase mugs and bags, or perish.

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